the Good, the Bad & the Hungry

It’s been a pretty good few days for me, as far as getting acclimated to our transitory life here on the farm. I’ve been able to get into a bit of a groove as far as being occasionally useful as an assistant chef, washing dishes when I’m feeling up to it (which depends on how my back is doing and, to a lesser degree, whether the heat has managed to make me sick), and I had my first dinner shift last night. I made the sausage and potatoes that Loki and AJ love so much, but with tofu and olive oil in place of the sausage and butter. Our hosts loved it and the fellas were surprised how much they liked the altered recipe. I like to think that how excited I was to cook in a real kitchen with real food came through in the cooking as well; AJ is far from the only person to have commented on feeling the love in the food that I prepare to share with people. Anyway, folks already seem really excited about the stovetop lasagna that I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow, and at least one of ‘em has already been salivating over the idea of the green chicken enchiladas (aka green chili chicken enchiladas) that I mentioned last night as being another particular specialty of mine.

AJ’s been feeling pretty unwell this week, so he’s been a little depressed as a result of being cooped up and not feeling like he’s been able to do enough to either be productive or really relax at all. I think another component was that he’d sent an email to check in about his new job almost a week ago and hadn’t heard back yet, so we were starting to wonder if things had gone awry and the opportunity gone away. Well, he did hear back yesterday. And now that he’s got a valid ID that actually says he is male and looks like him, he shouldn’t have any trouble getting his contract notarized and sent back so he can start training.

I haven’t been able to set up at the farmer’s markets yet; I haven’t had enough jewelry to feel justified, as jewelry is apparently not a big seller at these markets. I have some ideas, though, on building up a variety that will help me do better with sales — it’s just taking me a little time to get the pieces made. I’d really like to be getting some stuff listed on ArtFire too, but it seems a bit pointless, honestly, when the pictures that I’m able to take are so low-resolution right now. Once AJ starts getting paychecks and we’re able to afford it, we’ll be looking at getting a new camera a netbook, so that we’ll be able to be productive at the same time, even if we’re both trying to write or I’m trying to write or do research while he’s actually signed in and working. So I should have stuff up in an actual shop again soon. In the meantime, though, I’m more than happy to discuss and work on custom orders for folks. Just get in touch if you’re interested. (I’ll be posting the rest of the jewelry I currently have made a little later today, hopefully, in case anyone is interested in having a piece or a set reserved.)

I’ve been doing some work on mTurk, but when I log in, the HITs available always seem to be the ones that don’t pay very well, so the earning is slow going at the moment. It’s certainly better than nothing, but it’s difficult at the moment to be in need of various meds and food and simply not have the funds for them, even though we’ve been working hard to be useful around the farm and start getting our shit together to help us land back on our feet, on top of doing the Work that we need to do in order to be more solidly connected with our Gods. (We have been sharing dinner with our hosts but still need to eat the rest of the time, and we’re working on arranging transportation so we can apply for food stamps down here, which should happen this coming week.)

I was trying really hard not to ask, but if anyone would be willing to make a donation or a loan to help us buy food and meds right now, we’d greatly appreciate it. We’ve got $20 at the moment and are having to choose between necessary meds and food because we just don’t have the funds for all or even close to a significant portion of what we need. Just as an example, AJ’s got a few lactase pills left and being out severely limits what he can eat, including most brands of affordable bread… And we’re dangerously low on loperamide, which tends to translate into IBS flare-ups and increased danger of dehydration, which is no fun.

We’re also kind of in the middle of nowhere since there isn’t much that we can get to on our own and we don’t want to annoy our hosts with constant requests to go do things; we’re struggling to maintain some independence while becoming part of the household. It’s a process and one that we’re happy to have the opportunity for, but we’re still needing a bit of help in this interim time ’til AJ starts getting paychecks and I start being able to make regular jewelry sales again. We’re still more than happy to do readings and/or blessings on your behalf as thanks for donations, so long as you’re okay with us still being in a place where we’re learning, if jewelry isn’t quite your style but you’d like to help; please get in touch if you have any questions or are interested in lending us a hand. If you’d like to make a donation at this time, you can find details here.

Blessings to all of you; thanks in advance to those who are moved and able to help.

Related articles

• Waste not want not means there’s frequently something to chew on (eco-business.com)
• More to Cooking Than Just Food (cleanyourplate.net)

Pagan Blog Project | F is for the Father of All

“You’re allowed to ask for things.”

When we first met the All-Father, we’d read a lot of UPG in which people spoke of being made very nervous by Odin’s presence. It seemed as if folks were largely afraid to let Him down, ever afraid of bumbling, of being reprimanded by Him. We had no idea whether this was simply the perception of other humans, certain attitudes or expectations of Odin Himself, or some other trend entirely. We’d both had our moments — many of them, in fact — of being confused as to what Hela, Loki or anyone else would want with us, of being afraid to misstep, to let Them down and make Them feel as though Their faith in us has been misplaced. We still feel that way on a somewhat regular basis in regards to the family of Gods and Goddesses we’ve come to cherish, which now includes Odin.

But there was a certain way that other spiritworkers would write about Odin in particular, especially others among Loki’s wives, that succeeded in making me somewhat nervous about meeting Him once we’d been made aware that we would, and that His arrival was imminent.

I was just beginning to learn to trance, I was having difficulty and the journey was important, so Loki asked Odin to come and help me. When the Old Man arrived, we were in the middle of a bit of sex magick; my husbands were attempting to help me relax and show me what the desired state felt like. Odin seemed to approve of the technique and looked on, bemused, while my loves worked their magicks and I flailed a bit, thrown into spazz mode by our sudden audience and the energy coming off of Him in waves. I did eventually relax. Odin helped ease me into the beginning of my journey and set the stage for what would soon be a very intimate and frank relationship with Him, for me and my mortal spouse.

Since the beginning, when we were first made aware of Their presences, Hela and Loki have always been around and have never worried too much about propriety; we quickly got used to doing everything with and in front of Them. Sigyn was much quieter, sweeter and more shy when She chose to make Her presence known. And it was Odin who sort of desensitized us to the spiritual form of falling-over-yourself NRE… Would that be NDE for ‘new Deity energy’? We still treat Them with love and reverence and are filled with awe when we stop to think about how blessed we are to have Them as such an important part of our lives, but we are no longer shy when They stop to visit, whenever or wherever They may choose. Perhaps this is the very reason that we were rarely clothed when Odin decided to pop by for His first visits.

We’ve always been a bit awkward about asking for things, whether in the form of knowledge, blessings or other help, from Gods with whom we haven’t spent much time. In fact, when we do the asking, we sort of have a tendency to rattle off disclaimers, while making whatever offerings we have put together, about how much we love and respect them, along with apologies for being in a place to need to ask in the first place. The Gods closest to us know just how deep our love runs and seem to find this endearing. Come to think of it, ‘incoming’ Deities are probably pre-warned of our loving bumbling. Anyhow, within a few meetings, we were doing some of that floundering with Odin. And he replied, simply, “You’re allowed to ask for things.”

We’ve lived in poverty most of our lives, and we are now devoting those lives to the work of the Gods we hold most dear. It makes sense, within reason, to ask for Their help, to request Their blessings. And we had always been encouraged by Hela and Loki to ask for what we needed. But I don’t think that either of us had really seen any of our requests as much other than a burden or a favor, until that point in time.

So it is that, shortly after meeting Odin, He taught us two very useful lessons about humility and confidence… And, perhaps, another about one aspect of what to expect when you’re in it for the long haul as a spiritworker who is one of Loki’s folk. Thank You, Wise Wanderer, for sharing Your presence and knowledge with us.

Related posts:

Prayer for Strength, Protection & Compassion
Pagan Blog Project | E is for Enchantment
Odin as Protector

K is for King: the Pagan Blog Project (Wytch of the North)

Pagan Blog Project | E is for Encouraging Safety [with Henna!]

I know that the title’s a bit of a stretch, but I really wanted to blog about henna after just having my first experience with it, and I wanted it to be part of the PBP. I also didn’t want to start posting the catch-up posts out of order, and I’m not having particular patience with that at the moment. In other areas I am exceedingly patient; the difference has a lot to do with untreated ADD and anxiety levels, methinks. In any case, the Ladies and I are working on it. ;)

My friend and host here in Tennessee dyes her hair with henna, as a lot of Loki’s wives seem to do. I believe that part of the reason for this is that it’s a form of spiritual protection that He likes to encourage among those beloved to Him. I’m sure that plenty of Loki’s folk lead very spiritually happy and safe existences in general and without all of the craziness we’ve experienced, but I do have the honor of being close to both Loki and Brigid, who are both Fire Deities, and then there’s been this whole pesky psi-battle aspect to living my life thus far… And, well, this:

Me: “What is it about me that is such a beacon for Deities/beings with less-than-good intentions?

Oracle: “Because you’re playing with fire.”

It seemed to me, and the oracle, that the message referred to Loki Himself; my understanding of Brigid’s fire being included came a bit later. I know that it’s not just my being connected to Them; I think it has more to do with the specific and fairly unique paths that AJ and I walk, both separately and as one. I still am nowhere close to having all of the answers, though, concerning even our own situation. And that’s okay; I know that the answers will come, in time, as they’re needed. The point, right now, is that sometimes, for whatever reason, some of us are bigger targets than others. And even those who aren’t inherent targets would still do well to protect themselves against harm, especially when the Gods with whom they work burn so brightly that it’s difficult, if not impossible, for Them to avoid creating a heat signature, so to speak. (Plus, let’s face it: my beloved Loki isn’t very subtle and has certainly made His enemies over the centuries.)

So, yesterday, my hair was dyed with henna for the first time. I’ve been a redhead in many shades, many times over, and I am officially quite pleased with how the henna turned out. I’m grateful to my friend for using her leftover henna on my hair, and also for actually doing the work of the dyejob for me. If I’d been left to my own devices, I’m sure there would have been more mess to contend with, and I’m also quite certain that the color would have come out much less even, with how much more work it takes than chemical dyes, or even commercial vegetable dyes, like Manic Panic (which I’ve used on my own hair many times over the years).

From mehandi.com:

Henna has safely colored and conditioned women’s hair for at least 6,000 years. It does a lovely job!

Henna has tannin in it. These tannin molecules bind into keratin (hair) molecules and make the fibers physically stronger, like winding threads together to make a stronger string. After you henna hair, it is softer, stronger, tangles less, and the split ends disappear.

Traditionally, henna was believed to have the quality of “Baraka” meaning “blessedness” or “grace”. It was believed to be able to avert the evil eye and thwart demons that caused disease, depression and misbehavior. Your regular hair dye never did that for you!

I actually first became very interested in dying my hair with henna over the winter, when a friend and fellow Loki’s wife made a comment about His telling her, “Your hair is your veil.” I’ve had so many problems with finding adequate spiritual protection which meshes with my proficiency levels that anything I can do to boost safety is very welcome; it doesn’t hurt that I’ve also always been happiest with my hair when it’s dyed some shade of red, particularly over the past few years.

I started veiling most of the time over the past few months; it’s been tougher in the heat of TN to keep my head covered, but between my pretty dollar store scarves, bandannas and my baseball cap, I’ve managed to do an okay job of it without adding too much weight to my inherent tendency to overheat in the summer. Since I washed the dye out last night, I’ve fluctuated between thinking of the henna as an extra layer to my veils, and thinking of it as an opportunity to find a bit of reprieve from the temperature and allow myself to be bare-haired a little more often. We’ll see which way I end up leaning more of the time; it will likely have direct connections to how well I adapt to the southern heat and how much the henna seems to be helping my shielding efforts.

While my friend was piling the henna into my hair yesterday, she explained why she’s come to think of it as a very Loki-like substance: “It smells funny, makes a mess and turns you into a redhead.” I added that I’m sure it must be fun to play with in some instances. ;)

The below link popped up in Zemanta and I had to include it because I love what Henna Heals is doing; there’s a particularly gooshy part of my heart that is glad they exist when I think of or am being visited by AJ’s mom, who died relatively quickly and suddenly after a violent battle with anaplastic thyroid cancer. She had a very difficult time coming to terms with losing her hair and my heart went out to her over and over again as she was forced to deal with it.

Related articles

• Henna “crowns” for chemotherapy patients (boingboing.net)

Pagan Blog Project | E is for Enchantment

This one is pretty self-explanatory; I will only add that I won’t be posting just poetry for the rest of my PBP catch-up posts. It was simply the thing that happened to fit for me this morning. :)

Enchantment: An Ode to Odin
All-Father, Teacher, Lover and Friend

Dearest Brother of my beloved Husband,
Friend and Keeper of the valiant dead,
He of the undying wanderlust,
Patron of Poets and inspiration to many –
You have proven Yourself devoted Kin,
Taken the role of Protector as Your own,
Trusted us with Your secrets
And blessed us with the gift of Your love.

Sweetest and most gentle of passionate Lovers,
Who has always been there, unassuming,
Possessing immeasurable power wielded so softly
That we have never felt reason to fear You –
Freely, never under pressure, we offer
And hope that You will always accept
Our sacrifice, the blood of our warrior’s hearts
As they beat with a passion whose fires you stoke.

We offer our hands to do Your work,
And words that we wish would do justice
To our devotion to You, Shockingly Humble One
Who knows the full extent of Your strength
But never uses it without necessity.
He who has never made a single demand of us
Beyond hearing Truth and fighting for Justice,
Having proven kindness even when we’ve stumbled.

Until our time comes to revel with You in Valhalla,
To recount adventure with Hela in Her halls,
To visit Laufey in Her grove
And the beloved Hag in Her Ironwood,
To travel the worlds at Loki’s side
And rest our weary heads upon Sigyn’s breast,
We may never know our full Purpose here and now.
But we’ll gladly trade that knowledge to be called Yours,
Knowing that we are fortunate enough
To be hailed and loved among Your family.

We adore You, beloved Husband of Frigga.
We love You, Swift Rider of Sleipnir.
We are grateful to know You, holder of Runes’ Mysteries.
We soak up that which You pour out, Wisest of Wanderers.
We ache for the lessons You share.
We revel in Your kinship, beloved Healer.
We are glad and thankful to know You in this lifetime
And for the many blessings You have given us,
Certain of our worthiness even as we wonder.

Hail, Odin, sweetest and most generous of Dirty Old Men.
You’ve  enchanted us, and there is nothing we would accept
in exchange for Your favor.

Pagan Blog Project | D is for Devotion

Devotion: For Love of Lokajera
with agape from Brigyn (written with Sigyn)

Husbands, lovers, best of friends, courageous Knights –
You do everything in your power to shield us
From the ugliness of the worlds,
Donning your armor whenever the battle is brought
To our door, home being the love
That is carried with us, wherever we may travel.

You have sought us out, lifetime upon lifetime,
Though all nine of the worlds,
Across centuries and continents –
And your drive to protect, to cherish us,
To bring smiles and laughter to our lips,
Never falters or grows weary of the questing.

You delight in witnessing our small pleasures –
The happiness from candy turned toy,*
Tickling until our protests become fervent,
Watching us get dressed up and made up
To go for a walk where no one else will see us…
Because it makes us feel pretty, for you, loves.

It has always been for you.
The smiles when life allows us a moment to breathe,
The solace taken in your company when we’re under siege,
The fires that blaze within our hearts
And replace tears that might have been with strength
To keep pushing through and see what the new day brings.

Sweet Knights. Darling boys. Treasured companions.
As long as we have you to hold onto,
To twine ’round through the darkest of night,
Through the hate that seeks to squash love
And the moments when our strength seems limited,
We will always find a way to walk again in the sunshine.

The challenges may be great in this life
And we may never have peace that is not hard-won,
But we will always continue to choose you,
To shrug off the possibility of easy mediocrity
In favor of true love and this burning need for you –
Which eventually explodes, always, in the brightest fireworks.

We love you.
We need you.
And we will never choose to be without you.

* It felt like readers might get a wee bit more from this poem/post if made aware of what this line means. Plus I think it may make some of you smile. At one point in time, we visited a Family Dollar store when the holiday candy was on super clearance. We got some ‘popping candy’ (generic Pop Rocks) for a few cents per package. So, for a while, Sigyn and I would occasionally decide that we’d like a bit of candy and then amuse ourselves and our husbands by being very silly, doing things like getting a tongue full of candy, making sure it was popping noisily, and then sticking said tongue out at them, all with a silly grin. The menfolk tended to be rather delighted by our goofy display; She and I had a blast, too. Small pleasures indeed. :)

Show & Tell

We’ve been doing a lot of personal work over the past week and a half… To acclimate to our new surroundings (including the heat, humidity & the assorted insects indigenous  to the barn), making our space Home for us and our spirit family for the time that we’re here, finding ways to be useful around the house and farm, and other assorted work/Work with our Gods, ancestors and other familial spirits… As well as getting our ducks in a row to be able to make and save as much money as possible while we’re here, which is the main reason we were invited in the first place… To help us dig out from under the growing mountain of debt and into a position to be able to start climbing back up onto our own feet.

While the lovely camera we did have somehow went missing between MA and TN (and we were too scattered to realize that it was missing until after we got here) and that means that we can only take low-resolution pictures with my phone for the moment, I’ve done the best I could to get some photos of the jewelry I’m working on right now, the new altars we’ve set up and some other randomness to share with ya’ll. :) [If anyone out there has a half decent digital camera they'd be willing to trade for jewelry, please get in touch!]

First, here’s us in the barn, a few days after we got here. We’re tired but happy!

I went for a walk to the nearest market yesterday to pick up a few things; it’s almost 1.5 miles away if one takes the routes with sidewalks, which I did. It’s also a lot less flat than it looks on Google Maps, and as a result took me much longer to walk each way than 1.5 miles normally would. I was in a fair amount of pain by the time I got back to the barn, but I called on Sigyn and Brigid for help staying strong and dealing with the pain, and was proud of myself for pushing through and not having to call our hosts for a ride back, though I was tempted to do so at a couple of points during the return walk. We really appreciate everything that’s being done for us here, but we also don’t like the idea of being utterly dependent on someone for everything we need; so it’s nice that there is an option for somewhere we can run errands on our own, if we just need a few things and we can handle the heat. While I was out walking, I noticed that there are a LOT of tiger lilies growing all over the place around here. I just so happen to love tiger lilies. :)

We set up an altar in the bedroom almost as soon as we got here; our divination, communication and energy working tools are the first things that we made a point to unpack. As long as we’ve had altars, though, we’ve shared one altar, which was sometimes sort of broken up into different sections for various Deities, spirits, elements and/or purposes. Today I set up two small, specific altars… And we’re planning on adding a few more as we’re able.

The first is Sigyn’s altar; the pretty scarf was purchased on sale at a little shop in Chinatown before we left Boston, for $1.49, as an offering for Sigyn because She liked it and was so thrilled when I looked at it with Her in mind. The paper fan, also an offering to Her (which made me think of Her just ’cause it’s pretty), is something that we’ve had for a while; I’m honestly not sure where it came from. The specific bowl doesn’t have special significance to us (other than the inherent significance of being a bowl for Sigyn), but the healing stones inside the bowl have been placed there so that She can help us discharge funky energy build-up, adding Her blessing to their inherent energies as well. Sigyn’s altar sits in the entryway to our bathroom, next to a large mirror. She and I have always done a lot of self-care activities together, like bathing, doing my hair, painting our nails and so on. So it made sense to me — and made Her smile — that I put Her altar where I did. There was also space for it there, without worrying about the stand getting bumped into and the water sloshed, even when we’re not being actively mindful of burning candles.

Adjusting.

Well, the heat’s been kicking our asses the past few days. It’s been hard to find energy. Keeping up with hydration has been a lot of work, though we’re making a huge effort. We’re really just not used to sweating quite this much, I think. Plus a positive but drastic diet shift, which has included plenty of fresh veggies and unprocessed foods in general — for at least one meal a day — has combined with the hydration issues to mean that we’re both having some IBS-related woes at the moment. We’ve been taking fiber, electrolyte and probiotic supplements, when needed, to combat the tummy troubles, along with drinking lots of water, but finding balance hasn’t quite been forthcoming yet. If I remember correctly, adjusting to summer heat and humidity without air conditioning has taken us a couple of weeks in the past, along with a shift to a slightly more nocturnal schedule than usual. Hopefully we’ll start to find our rhythm soon.

Thankfully, I did end up being able to get a prescription for vicodin from my former doctor, which is working better than it had previously since I’d been largely detoxed after several days without any narcotic pain relief, following five steady years of taking vicodin and then percocet for chronic back pain. I’m grateful for the reset to my system, meaning that fewer pills will do more good, moving forward, than they had in a while. The few days I had nothing were difficult, but I had a lot of help from Hela, Eir and others, which meant that the potential for suffering was a lot greater than what I ended up having to experience. I’m going to visit the local free clinic with my prescription records before I run out again; hopefully that will bridge the gap until we figure out where we’re headed after TN and get some sort of health insurance figured out.

Thanks to the anonymous benefactor(s) who ordered a bunch of meds and such, including some of the supplements mentioned above, from our Amazon wish list. We’ve gotten a few packages this week and are extremely grateful for the assistance. We haven’t yet been able to make our way to apply for food stamps here and we’ve got very little money, so we really appreciate all the help we can get staying as healthy and functional as possible at the moment. I’ve been wilted for the past two days but am hoping to get some new jewelry made after it gets dark and cools off tonight. Because I’ve just got the simple, low-resolution camera on my phone now, photography has been a challenge — perhaps I’ll be able to get some half-decent close-up photos of new beads and jewelry in the sun tomorrow so that I can share with ya’ll what exciting new materials and pieces I have now. We’re still waiting on AJ’s ID so he can hopefully start his WAH job; we haven’t heard anything from those folks in a while, so we’re planning on touching base as soon as it shows up in the mail.

We’ve been having a lovely time connecting with our Gods, especially Loki, Odin and Sigyn, during those periods of time when our bodies are still enough for our minds to follow suit. Getting even a glimpse at how things will be in the future has been very reassuring that we are on the right track, and that we should listen to our instincts; we have usually only had real regrets, in this area of our lives, when we have second-guessed ourselves or what we have heard from our Family. It can be very difficult to learn to trust yourself as an adult.

We are so grateful to our Gods, and the friends with whom we are staying, for this chance to simplify and connect more deeply with all aspects of our religion and spirituality… Even if the barn, the bugs and generally being in Tennessee in May are taking a bit of getting used to. :)

Now that we have regular, reliable internet access, I’m hoping to be able to start blogging on a schedule and finally catching up with Pagan Blog Project posts soon.