“I feel like I’m playing chess without knowing the rules.”

“If you can’t help, don’t hurt.”

Release

I made a promise to You, that I would do my best to fulfill the request
that I keep my heart open, burning brightly and shining,
to share of myself through that which has been called my greatest Gift.
In the attempt to do so, I experienced the ecstacy of great passion
which burned like an indiscriminate wildfire, nearly destroying everything
including my misguided, well-meaning heart itself.

My rightful husband is the Knight, having followed me through
worlds and lives, and given his life and Service to You over and over,
for my sake, even though I couldn’t remember the question had ever been asked
and was so very dazzled by Your wildfire that I could barely see
anyone or anything outside of its raging, writhing inferno.

I have made the promise to You that I would do my part not to allow
this world to be any less full of love and light than it was when You found me in it.
I have finally seen how to trust my own heart, how to separate him from You, the
One who was so dazzled by the purity in my heart and burned so hotly for me
in return, that I nearly threw myself and my Knight into the fire
without even seeing the consequences.

I have made my mistakes, but I seek to make no more great errors
now that I have been awakened from the long, dark journey — it is time
to share my heart where and with whom Bride and I please, now that the tethers
have been severed which have so long held me captive.
I have loved You for many lives, and a small piece of my heart will always burn for You.
But my place is no longer in Your arms; nor is Yours in mine.

I am told that I have held Her bowl long enough, that it is not my Duty.
She comes to hold me and helps Bride heal the cracks and blisters of my heart
while my Knight watches guard,  brave, vigilant, heroic and selfless.
I will serve as Her friend and devoted though I can no longer be Yours.
I will bring the beach to Your Sons, or Them to the beach, whenever possible.
And someday, when the smoke has cleared, I will sing for You again, from afar.

I’ve lived in Your fire, basked and roasted in the Chaos where my Peace
simply could not bloom.
He and I could not make a true home as long as we resided there.
It is time to move from the Road of Madness, on to that of the Heart.
I release You, Loki, Flamehair, Lover, Mentor, Wildfire, Co-Conspirator.
Please do the same for me so that we may part, glad of the experience,
of Wisdom gained and shared memory, bittersweet though it may be.

In balance now, may the ghost of Your flame within me
help my Heart, my Gift, burn just a little bit brighter.

I wish I could tell this person directly that I believe that what they’ve experienced really happened to them, and let them know that I get it, the maelstrom of raw, difficult emotion — pain, fear, anger, confusion and much worse — regardless of whether they’re interested in hearing anything else about what I’ve known I experienced, or what I thought was happening at the time vs what I later discovered. So often, especially when people express unpopular opinions or experiences — or those that others don’t understand — people jump to judging and presuming without truly even attempting to understand first, or trying to keep an open mind. I certainly know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that in many ways, dealing with a vast array of people from multiple communities, and I’m well aware of how lonely and frustrating it can be to have your reality consistently dismissed, at best. My heart goes out to them; I hope they’re well on their way to finding peace, if they haven’t already.

Meeting someone who has been wounded where they are, in order to offer them compassion (and understanding, particularly in a situation where it comes so easily) is the least that I can do, if I want to help others —  and I certainly do. I don’t even have to know whether I agree with their assessment of their own situation; it’s irrelevant. It doesn’t cause me any harm or pain to care about the fact that someone else is hurting. When this happens, but my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to help, despite caring deeply, despite being able to relate and feeling the echo of a similar wound, that is what pains me.

The timing and images were just too perfect not to share. We definitely had Brigid pushing to make sure we noticed just how magnificent the sky was, lovely sun Goddess that She is… Thank You, Bright One.

I’ll keep on taking pictures of the gorgeous skies we’ve been blessed with here, and pretty flowers when I see them, because doing so makes certain necessary tasks easier to get through, costs nothing and causes no one harm in any way.

Click to view slideshow.

The title of this post was taken from the Queen song ‘Made in Heaven’ from the album of the same name. Considering the subject matter of the photos and the lyrics of the song, it seemed pretty fitting to me. :) Here’s the video:

There are probably better quality versions of the video on YouTube, but it’s the lyrics that were particularly striking to me and there’s a whole lot of stuff to wade through, much of it crap, when looking for any Queen video on YouTube. I’m just trying to get a quick post up that makes me smile, and will hopefully make a few of you smile as well.

[Edit: For your convenience, below are the 'Made in Heaven' lyrics.]

Made in Heaven
lyrics by Freddie Mercury

I’m taking my ride with destiny
Willing to play my part
Living with painful memories
Loving with all my heart

Made in heaven, made in heaven
It was all meant to be, yeah
Made in heaven, made in heaven
That’s what they say
Can’t you see
That’s what everybody says to me
Can’t you see
Oh I know, I know, I know that it’s true
Yes, it’s really meant to be
Deep in my heart

I’m having to learn to pay the price
They’re turning me upside down
Waiting for possibilities
Don’t see too many around

Made in heaven, yes, made in heaven
It’s for all to see
Made in heaven, made in heaven
That’s what everybody says, everybody says to me
It was really meant to be
Oh can’t you see
Yeah, everybody, everybody says
Yes, it was meant to be
Yeah, yeah

When stormy weather comes around
It was made in heaven
When sunny skies break through behind the clouds
I wish it could last forever, yeah
Wish it could last forever, forever

I’m playing my role in history
Looking to find my goal
Taking in all this misery
But giving it all my soul

Made in heaven, made in heaven
It was all meant to be
Made in heaven, made in heaven
That’s what everybody says
Wait and see, it was really meant to be
So plain to see
Yeah, everybody, everybody, everybody tells me so
Yes it was plain to see, yes it was meant to be
Written in the stars…
Written in the stars…

Talking about this just now, we’ve just realized that we are going to be able to do a lot to ease the suffering of some of the trans dead here. Especially because of how much the trans dead as a group have helped to protect us in battle and because we are always honored to do something to help Hela and Her people (trans people are Hela’s people — you can’t transition without the death of some part of someone you once were, while there’s a much more dramatic death and rebirth for a lot of trans folks when starting hormones, having surgery or reaching other important milestones), we very much look forward to this Work. That’s not even touching upon our personal drives to help and ease suffering, however we’re able.

And we’re finally in a place to be able to start doing the Work for real.

Tennessee

by Arrested Development

Lord I’ve really been real stressed

Down and out, losin ground
Although I am black and proud
Problems got me pessimistic
Brothers and sisters keep messin up
Why does it have to be so damn tuff?
I don’t know where I can go
To let these ghosts out of my skull
My grandmas past, my brothers gone
I never at once felt so alone
I know you’re supposed to be my steering wheel
Not just my spare tire (home)
But lord I ask you (home)
To be my guiding force and truth (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

(Chorus) Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan

Lord it’s obvious we got a relationship
Talkin to each other every night and day
Although you’re superior over me
We talk to each other in a friendship way
Then outta nowhere you tell me to break
Outta the country and into more country
Past Dyesburg into Ripley
Where the ghost of childhood haunts me
Walk the roads my forefathers walked
Climbed the trees my forefathers hung from
Ask those trees for all their wisdom
They tell me my ears are so young (home)
Go back to from whence you came (home)
My family tree my family name (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

Chorus

Now I see the importance of history
Why people be in the mess that they be
Many journeys to freedom made in vain
By brothers on the corner playin ghetto games
I ask you lord why you enlightened me
Without the enlightment of all my folks
He said cuz I set myself on a quest for truth
And he was there to quench my thirst
But I am still thirsty…
The lord allowed me to drink some more
He said what I am searchin for are
The answers to all which are in front of me
The ultimate truth started to get blurry
For some strange reason it had to be
It was all a dream about Tennessee

Chorus

The journey that I am just beginning revolves around love. There is eros mixed in, and ecstasy in various forms, but the very center is nothing but agape, which is swirled, knitted and entwined throughout my spiritual path, the particular flavor of spiritual and religious practice that has always been prominent in my bloodline and personal wyrd and the devotion attached to the love that I have always freely given, whether to the important people in my life or the Deities that have been such a huge part of it.

While I have not been aware of the importance of my ancestry or the fact that my destiny affects far more spirits than my own for a very long time, those facts have informed and shaped my life in more ways than I can try to count. My path has been a difficult one because I have lacked teachers from this world, and been unable to hear or see those walking with me in other realms. I was never taught how to hear my Ancestors. I was never shown how to unlock and coax open my gifts or how to use them properly.

Now that I am aware of my role, my calling and the true direction that my wyrd has been tugging me in all along, I know that my life will never be the same again. It has meaning now, an importance beyond my wellbeing or that of those to whom I give my love. And that is deeply entwined with my conscious decision to separate myself from negative, harmful influence. I am on a fast track to finding peace, true happiness and fulfillment now that I have begun to take this step.

This project, for me, is about my path in life. And right now, a huge part of that is knowing that I do not want to be a person afflicted by negativity in any form. Agape has no room for being afraid all the time. I want a life full of agape, flowing to and from myself and those that I care about and will help on my journey through this life. And I know now that this desire is destined to be a reality. I am no longer afraid of what it means for me to be on a shamanic path. I welcome the journey with open arms and a heart full of agape.

We need to have people on our side who understand what we are going through and can relate or at least treat our beliefs and experiences with respect. I’ve also not felt right about ignoring this huge aspect of my life when I write about our struggles. I know that clearing the cobwebs and letting everything out helps me to heal and become stronger plus I am being told, gently but firmly, that I need to lay all the cards on the table now. To paraphrase, the message is, “You need to say goodbye to anyone who cannot accept you for who you are, in your entirety. Their negative energy is harming you, whether they send it intentionally or not. This culling will hurt at times but you will be freer, happier and stronger on the other side of these changes. You will also make room for new relationships with people who do value and respect you. This will help you personally and in the work that you are called upon to do.”

There’s no way that I could explain all of the relationships that we have with beings in other realms or the complex dynamics of the relationships that we have with them, not in one post or the limited time that I have this morning. And I have a much harder time than usual finding the right words, being succinct or hitting the nail directly on the head, when I’m trying to describe any of the amazing, literally awesome experiences that we have had with our other-realm-residing spiritual family. I also have been unceremoniously plopped into the midst of a whole lot of magick, gifts of my own and even a sort of battle between good and evil, all of which I don’t always understand. I am a novice being forced to work with powerful tools in scary situations and I don’t always even know exactly what the job is that I am meant to be doing. So please bear with me as I finally sort through all of this in my own head and try to help others understand.

If you violently reject my spirituality as a whole, I can only presume that it is because your spiritual experiences have differed from mine and you are either frightened by the unknown or arrogant enough to believe that the only true realities are those with which you are acquainted. Please keep any discourse civil if you choose to get in touch with me.

I come from a very long line of very powerful and good witches. While I realized that I was a witch 11 years ago, I had no idea how long or intense the Priestesses’ connection to paganism was until this past winter. (Much of the time, I refer to my ancestors as a whole as ‘the Witches’ or ‘the Priestesses.’ I started doing so when we’d been pleasantly overwhelmed by a large group of them, and the nicknames stuck. There are certainly members of my family who denied their spiritual gifts in life, but I believe that they are unified and work together now that they reside in Hela’s realm. The only male ancestor I am aware of who comes to visit is Papa, my maternal grandfather with whom I was very close when he was alive. He almost always shows up when a large group of the Witches comes to visit; occasionally he and Nana will come on a social visit, but things have been so intense for so long that there is almost always work that needs to be done.

I’m starting to flounder here with wording, so I am going to share parts of a message from a friend who helped us when we were still homeless and I was having a particularly difficult time connecting with and receiving messages from Nana and our Deities:

I felt your ancestors wanting to help you and working up positive energy to help you. They do not want you feeling as helpless as you feel for they know you two are a powerful, powerful force when you focus your energies. They will give you strength as you set goals and help positive energy flow to help you two achieve those goals. One important thing: do not believe the negative you feel. There are negative forces at work that are causing you two to fight and destroy the positive energy you two have. Believe in yourselves and the positive energy. Meditate together and remember what life was like before the last couple years, before the job loss. Remember the positive; believe you can have that back. The negatives of those around you have made both of you believe you are less than you once were but that is not true; you are more than you were before. These negative energies are physically hurting you, disabling you more than you were before. It is a disguise to hinder the immense power that you two have. Meditate together and your ancestors will help guide you and send you the healing energy that you two need.

Then, a short while later:

Bri, a crone came to me. She cares deeply for you. She wanted you to view yourself from the heavens, detached from your painful earthly existence. Look at how hard you work and how much energy and power you are able to put forth into your creative endeavors. You must find a way to channel this back into the way our society works. She believes you will soon find a way but she insisted you must not label yourself for that is what those who want to break your power want you to do. You are capable of more than you allow yourself to believe and you are doing more than you believe you are. Don’t you let anyone around you make you believe you cannot do anything that you want to do. It is due to your immense power that you are being caused so much pain. You must not believe in it and really look at what you have been doing and realize how powerful that is.

And then this message came for AJ:

AJ, you have a very powerful woman at your side. I am sure you know that but what you do not realize is what powerful masculine energy you have that fits so perfectly with her feminine energy. AJ, you must fight the fog of depression and confusion. You KNOW who you are, you really do. Be that person. The hardest thing being with Bri is that she is so powerful and with your energy making her even more powerful, those who wish to contain and control her energy are trying to do it through you by bringing you down. Either without you or with you not providing that masculine energy her feminine energy is not balanced enough to be as powerful. You must remember who you are from inside to out and continue to provide that strong energy. You can and I know it. This will allow the two of you to become powerful. The power you two have is very special and rare. There are not many of us that have it. I know because I met my powerful match and now that we are together, I am much more than I ever was before. She cannot find it anywhere else; YOU must provide it. Use your music to calm and uncover your spirit; it raises hers too. Then help her; she can guide you but you need to provide the “muscle” so to speak.

And to wrap up:

To both of you: most people do not realize how true fairy tales are. They are told to kids because they are really from kids in the first place, who do understand and believe in magic. There really is a knight and a queen, as far as energy goes. Masculine energy is the knight; feminine energy is the queen. The queen is most powerful (notice even in chess) but she needs a knight to protect her from the harsh attacks on her power; she gives the knight favor which gives him the power to thwart the attacks. She is then protected and has even greater power. The two of you work perfectly together but you both must truly believe in yourselves despite all that has happened. You are more powerful than you would ever believe. I can feel it from across the country and that is why I have been helping you. I have learned myself that one of the first ways to handicap power and control it is to handicap the person. I have [a disease that includes severe chronic pain] and I have that because those who do not want me to have the power I have made sure I am limited. But now that I have learned how to navigate around that block, I am able to be more powerful than I was before. You must not let the physical boundaries and blocks control your power which comes out in creativity and passion. You two should have a lot of positive energy and there has been a lot of cleansing. Many spirits also are trying to clear many of the blocks that have been put up in front of you.

When we got these messages from our friend, everything she said felt right and struck a chord within me. We’ve been doing our best to follow her advice and that from the Deities and Witches, but it’s been a constant struggle.

It at least feels good to have publicly poked my toe out of the spiritual closet and know that the people who stick around are going to be (mostly if not entirely) worthwhile companions on our journey.