Release

“I feel like I’m playing chess without knowing the rules.”

“If you can’t help, don’t hurt.”

Release

I made a promise to You, that I would do my best to fulfill the request
that I keep my heart open, burning brightly and shining,
to share of myself through that which has been called my greatest Gift.
In the attempt to do so, I experienced the ecstacy of great passion
which burned like an indiscriminate wildfire, nearly destroying everything
including my misguided, well-meaning heart itself.

My rightful husband is the Knight, having followed me through
worlds and lives, and given his life and Service to You over and over,
for my sake, even though I couldn’t remember the question had ever been asked
and was so very dazzled by Your wildfire that I could barely see
anyone or anything outside of its raging, writhing inferno.

I have made the promise to You that I would do my part not to allow
this world to be any less full of love and light than it was when You found me in it.
I have finally seen how to trust my own heart, how to separate him from You, the
One who was so dazzled by the purity in my heart and burned so hotly for me
in return, that I nearly threw myself and my Knight into the fire
without even seeing the consequences.

I have made my mistakes, but I seek to make no more great errors
now that I have been awakened from the long, dark journey — it is time
to share my heart where and with whom Bride and I please, now that the tethers
have been severed which have so long held me captive.
I have loved You for many lives, and a small piece of my heart will always burn for You.
But my place is no longer in Your arms; nor is Yours in mine.

I am told that I have held Her bowl long enough, that it is not my Duty.
She comes to hold me and helps Bride heal the cracks and blisters of my heart
while my Knight watches guard,  brave, vigilant, heroic and selfless.
I will serve as Her friend and devoted though I can no longer be Yours.
I will bring the beach to Your Sons, or Them to the beach, whenever possible.
And someday, when the smoke has cleared, I will sing for You again, from afar.

I’ve lived in Your fire, basked and roasted in the Chaos where my Peace
simply could not bloom.
He and I could not make a true home as long as we resided there.
It is time to move from the Road of Madness, on to that of the Heart.
I release You, Loki, Flamehair, Lover, Mentor, Wildfire, Co-Conspirator.
Please do the same for me so that we may part, glad of the experience,
of Wisdom gained and shared memory, bittersweet though it may be.

In balance now, may the ghost of Your flame within me
help my Heart, my Gift, burn just a little bit brighter.

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Hitting Close to Home

I just stumbled across a post on someone else’s blog about a situation that they believe happened with Loki, the description of which is eerily similar to some of the attacks that AJ and I were subjected to over the winter. I know that they probably wouldn’t care even if I knew how to get in touch with them, because they are hurting and not particularly keen on Loki or His folk at the moment, but I wish I could at least offer them support. Regardless of whether Loki had anything to do with this person’s attack experiences or not, I know what it’s like to think that what they’ve described is happening and, as a result, to have it doubted that you’ve actually experienced what you know to be your reality, not to mention being ostracized, to a degree, as a result of speaking out about that kind of experience.

I wish I could tell this person directly that I believe that what they’ve experienced really happened to them, and let them know that I get it, the maelstrom of raw, difficult emotion — pain, fear, anger, confusion and much worse — regardless of whether they’re interested in hearing anything else about what I’ve known I experienced, or what I thought was happening at the time vs what I later discovered. So often, especially when people express unpopular opinions or experiences — or those that others don’t understand — people jump to judging and presuming without truly even attempting to understand first, or trying to keep an open mind. I certainly know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that in many ways, dealing with a vast array of people from multiple communities, and I’m well aware of how lonely and frustrating it can be to have your reality consistently dismissed, at best. My heart goes out to them; I hope they’re well on their way to finding peace, if they haven’t already.

Meeting someone who has been wounded where they are, in order to offer them compassion (and understanding, particularly in a situation where it comes so easily) is the least that I can do, if I want to help others —  and I certainly do. I don’t even have to know whether I agree with their assessment of their own situation; it’s irrelevant. It doesn’t cause me any harm or pain to care about the fact that someone else is hurting. When this happens, but my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to help, despite caring deeply, despite being able to relate and feeling the echo of a similar wound, that is what pains me.

When sunny skies break through behind the clouds… Reprise.

It’s interesting that, after this morning’s post, we saw the awesome skies below when we went out to get meds earlier.

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The timing and images were just too perfect not to share. We definitely had Brigid pushing to make sure we noticed just how magnificent the sky was, lovely sun Goddess that She is… Thank You, Bright One.

When sunny skies break through behind the clouds…

I’ve got lots of gorgeous pictures — mostly of the sky — that I’ve taken since getting to Chattanooga, so I thought I’d upload and share them.

I’ll keep on taking pictures of the gorgeous skies we’ve been blessed with here, and pretty flowers when I see them, because doing so makes certain necessary tasks easier to get through, costs nothing and causes no one harm in any way.

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Arrested Development

Wow. We’ve both had the chorus of the Arrested Development song Tennessee running through our heads pretty regularly since the first, tentative offer was made for us to come here. We just finally looked up the lyrics to the rest of the song and were pretty blown away by how much of the song actually could be applied to us and our situation… It’s not the same at all and we are by no means trying to own anyone else’s suffering, but if you swap racial oppression with queer/trans and religious oppression, much of it rings true. (Before you say there is no comparison, please do your research about queer and trans people being lynched and hung in the deep south.)

Talking about this just now, we’ve just realized that we are going to be able to do a lot to ease the suffering of some of the trans dead here. Especially because of how much the trans dead as a group have helped to protect us in battle and because we are always honored to do something to help Hela and Her people (trans people are Hela’s people — you can’t transition without the death of some part of someone you once were, while there’s a much more dramatic death and rebirth for a lot of trans folks when starting hormones, having surgery or reaching other important milestones), we very much look forward to this Work. That’s not even touching upon our personal drives to help and ease suffering, however we’re able.

And we’re finally in a place to be able to start doing the Work for real.

Tennessee

by Arrested Development

Lord I’ve really been real stressed

Down and out, losin ground
Although I am black and proud
Problems got me pessimistic
Brothers and sisters keep messin up
Why does it have to be so damn tuff?
I don’t know where I can go
To let these ghosts out of my skull
My grandmas past, my brothers gone
I never at once felt so alone
I know you’re supposed to be my steering wheel
Not just my spare tire (home)
But lord I ask you (home)
To be my guiding force and truth (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

(Chorus) Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan

Lord it’s obvious we got a relationship
Talkin to each other every night and day
Although you’re superior over me
We talk to each other in a friendship way
Then outta nowhere you tell me to break
Outta the country and into more country
Past Dyesburg into Ripley
Where the ghost of childhood haunts me
Walk the roads my forefathers walked
Climbed the trees my forefathers hung from
Ask those trees for all their wisdom
They tell me my ears are so young (home)
Go back to from whence you came (home)
My family tree my family name (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

Chorus

Now I see the importance of history
Why people be in the mess that they be
Many journeys to freedom made in vain
By brothers on the corner playin ghetto games
I ask you lord why you enlightened me
Without the enlightment of all my folks
He said cuz I set myself on a quest for truth
And he was there to quench my thirst
But I am still thirsty…
The lord allowed me to drink some more
He said what I am searchin for are
The answers to all which are in front of me
The ultimate truth started to get blurry
For some strange reason it had to be
It was all a dream about Tennessee

Chorus

Agape

Agape (Greek, noun): Love, especially that which is spiritual and selfless in nature.

The journey that I am just beginning revolves around love. There is eros mixed in, and ecstasy in various forms, but the very center is nothing but agape, which is swirled, knitted and entwined throughout my spiritual path, the particular flavor of spiritual and religious practice that has always been prominent in my bloodline and personal wyrd and the devotion attached to the love that I have always freely given, whether to the important people in my life or the Deities that have been such a huge part of it.

While I have not been aware of the importance of my ancestry or the fact that my destiny affects far more spirits than my own for a very long time, those facts have informed and shaped my life in more ways than I can try to count. My path has been a difficult one because I have lacked teachers from this world, and been unable to hear or see those walking with me in other realms. I was never taught how to hear my Ancestors. I was never shown how to unlock and coax open my gifts or how to use them properly.

Now that I am aware of my role, my calling and the true direction that my wyrd has been tugging me in all along, I know that my life will never be the same again. It has meaning now, an importance beyond my wellbeing or that of those to whom I give my love. And that is deeply entwined with my conscious decision to separate myself from negative, harmful influence. I am on a fast track to finding peace, true happiness and fulfillment now that I have begun to take this step.

This project, for me, is about my path in life. And right now, a huge part of that is knowing that I do not want to be a person afflicted by negativity in any form. Agape has no room for being afraid all the time. I want a life full of agape, flowing to and from myself and those that I care about and will help on my journey through this life. And I know now that this desire is destined to be a reality. I am no longer afraid of what it means for me to be on a shamanic path. I welcome the journey with open arms and a heart full of agape.

Coming Out of the Gods Closet

My ancestors and the Deities with whom I work are pushing me right now to get out of my comfort zone, to get things off my chest that have been piling up and making me anxious. AJ and I have been on a whirlwind of a spiritual journey for the past year or so, and its intensity has been cranked up to an insane level since the summer. However, even though this has been a huge part of life for us this year (and was previously; we just weren’t aware of it then), I’ve barely mentioned it here. The only reasons for that were other people. I am not and have never been ashamed of my spirituality, but I was having such a hard time dealing with folks who had nothing better to do than harass and bully me/us that I just couldn’t bring myself to add fuel to their fires by talking about the spiritual side of what we have been going through; brief mentions in the past of the curse and daemon that were afflicting AJ (and me, slightly less directly) resulted in callous comments from people who thought we were lying or completely off our rockers, some of them abusive in nature. As a result of my fear of what people would think, huge gaps have been left in the whole story and I think that we may have missed out on some wonderful folks who would have otherwise become friends and allies by now.

We need to have people on our side who understand what we are going through and can relate or at least treat our beliefs and experiences with respect. I’ve also not felt right about ignoring this huge aspect of my life when I write about our struggles. I know that clearing the cobwebs and letting everything out helps me to heal and become stronger plus I am being told, gently but firmly, that I need to lay all the cards on the table now. To paraphrase, the message is, “You need to say goodbye to anyone who cannot accept you for who you are, in your entirety. Their negative energy is harming you, whether they send it intentionally or not. This culling will hurt at times but you will be freer, happier and stronger on the other side of these changes. You will also make room for new relationships with people who do value and respect you. This will help you personally and in the work that you are called upon to do.”