Coming Out of the Gods Closet

14 12 2011

My ancestors and the Deities with whom I work are pushing me right now to get out of my comfort zone, to get things off my chest that have been piling up and making me anxious. AJ and I have been on a whirlwind of a spiritual journey for the past year or so, and its intensity has been cranked up to an insane level since the summer. However, even though this has been a huge part of life for us this year (and was previously; we just weren’t aware of it then), I’ve barely mentioned it here. The only reasons for that were other people. I am not and have never been ashamed of my spirituality, but I was having such a hard time dealing with folks who had nothing better to do than harass and bully me/us that I just couldn’t bring myself to add fuel to their fires by talking about the spiritual side of what we have been going through; brief mentions in the past of the curse and daemon that were afflicting AJ (and me, slightly less directly) resulted in callous comments from people who thought we were lying or completely off our rockers, some of them abusive in nature. As a result of my fear of what people would think, huge gaps have been left in the whole story and I think that we may have missed out on some wonderful folks who would have otherwise become friends and allies by now.

We need to have people on our side who understand what we are going through and can relate or at least treat our beliefs and experiences with respect. I’ve also not felt right about ignoring this huge aspect of my life when I write about our struggles. I know that clearing the cobwebs and letting everything out helps me to heal and become stronger plus I am being told, gently but firmly, that I need to lay all the cards on the table now. To paraphrase, the message is, “You need to say goodbye to anyone who cannot accept you for who you are, in your entirety. Their negative energy is harming you, whether they send it intentionally or not. This culling will hurt at times but you will be freer, happier and stronger on the other side of these changes. You will also make room for new relationships with people who do value and respect you. This will help you personally and in the work that you are called upon to do.”

There’s no way that I could explain all of the relationships that we have with beings in other realms or the complex dynamics of the relationships that we have with them, not in one post or the limited time that I have this morning. And I have a much harder time than usual finding the right words, being succinct or hitting the nail directly on the head, when I’m trying to describe any of the amazing, literally awesome experiences that we have had with our other-realm-residing spiritual family. I also have been unceremoniously plopped into the midst of a whole lot of magick, gifts of my own and even a sort of battle between good and evil, all of which I don’t always understand. I am a novice being forced to work with powerful tools in scary situations and I don’t always even know exactly what the job is that I am meant to be doing. So please bear with me as I finally sort through all of this in my own head and try to help others understand.

If you violently reject my spirituality as a whole, I can only presume that it is because your spiritual experiences have differed from mine and you are either frightened by the unknown or arrogant enough to believe that the only true realities are those with which you are acquainted. Please keep any discourse civil if you choose to get in touch with me.

I come from a very long line of very powerful and good witches. While I realized that I was a witch 11 years ago, I had no idea how long or intense the Priestesses’ connection to paganism was until this past winter. (Much of the time, I refer to my ancestors as a whole as ‘the Witches’ or ‘the Priestesses.’ I started doing so when we’d been pleasantly overwhelmed by a large group of them, and the nicknames stuck. There are certainly members of my family who denied their spiritual gifts in life, but I believe that they are unified and work together now that they reside in Hela’s realm. The only male ancestor I am aware of who comes to visit is Papa, my maternal grandfather with whom I was very close when he was alive. He almost always shows up when a large group of the Witches comes to visit; occasionally he and Nana will come on a social visit, but things have been so intense for so long that there is almost always work that needs to be done.

I’m starting to flounder here with wording, so I am going to share parts of a message from a friend who helped us when we were still homeless and I was having a particularly difficult time connecting with and receiving messages from Nana and our Deities:

I felt your ancestors wanting to help you and working up positive energy to help you. They do not want you feeling as helpless as you feel for they know you two are a powerful, powerful force when you focus your energies. They will give you strength as you set goals and help positive energy flow to help you two achieve those goals. One important thing: do not believe the negative you feel. There are negative forces at work that are causing you two to fight and destroy the positive energy you two have. Believe in yourselves and the positive energy. Meditate together and remember what life was like before the last couple years, before the job loss. Remember the positive; believe you can have that back. The negatives of those around you have made both of you believe you are less than you once were but that is not true; you are more than you were before. These negative energies are physically hurting you, disabling you more than you were before. It is a disguise to hinder the immense power that you two have. Meditate together and your ancestors will help guide you and send you the healing energy that you two need.

Then, a short while later:

Bri, a crone came to me. She cares deeply for you. She wanted you to view yourself from the heavens, detached from your painful earthly existence. Look at how hard you work and how much energy and power you are able to put forth into your creative endeavors. You must find a way to channel this back into the way our society works. She believes you will soon find a way but she insisted you must not label yourself for that is what those who want to break your power want you to do. You are capable of more than you allow yourself to believe and you are doing more than you believe you are. Don’t you let anyone around you make you believe you cannot do anything that you want to do. It is due to your immense power that you are being caused so much pain. You must not believe in it and really look at what you have been doing and realize how powerful that is.

And then this message came for AJ:

AJ, you have a very powerful woman at your side. I am sure you know that but what you do not realize is what powerful masculine energy you have that fits so perfectly with her feminine energy. AJ, you must fight the fog of depression and confusion. You KNOW who you are, you really do. Be that person. The hardest thing being with Bri is that she is so powerful and with your energy making her even more powerful, those who wish to contain and control her energy are trying to do it through you by bringing you down. Either without you or with you not providing that masculine energy her feminine energy is not balanced enough to be as powerful. You must remember who you are from inside to out and continue to provide that strong energy. You can and I know it. This will allow the two of you to become powerful. The power you two have is very special and rare. There are not many of us that have it. I know because I met my powerful match and now that we are together, I am much more than I ever was before. She cannot find it anywhere else; YOU must provide it. Use your music to calm and uncover your spirit; it raises hers too. Then help her; she can guide you but you need to provide the “muscle” so to speak.

And to wrap up:

To both of you: most people do not realize how true fairy tales are. They are told to kids because they are really from kids in the first place, who do understand and believe in magic. There really is a knight and a queen, as far as energy goes. Masculine energy is the knight; feminine energy is the queen. The queen is most powerful (notice even in chess) but she needs a knight to protect her from the harsh attacks on her power; she gives the knight favor which gives him the power to thwart the attacks. She is then protected and has even greater power. The two of you work perfectly together but you both must truly believe in yourselves despite all that has happened. You are more powerful than you would ever believe. I can feel it from across the country and that is why I have been helping you. I have learned myself that one of the first ways to handicap power and control it is to handicap the person. I have [a disease that includes severe chronic pain] and I have that because those who do not want me to have the power I have made sure I am limited. But now that I have learned how to navigate around that block, I am able to be more powerful than I was before. You must not let the physical boundaries and blocks control your power which comes out in creativity and passion. You two should have a lot of positive energy and there has been a lot of cleansing. Many spirits also are trying to clear many of the blocks that have been put up in front of you.

When we got these messages from our friend, everything she said felt right and struck a chord within me. We’ve been doing our best to follow her advice and that from the Deities and Witches, but it’s been a constant struggle.

It at least feels good to have publicly poked my toe out of the spiritual closet and know that the people who stick around are going to be (mostly if not entirely) worthwhile companions on our journey.



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